When I was 13, I was fortunate enough to travel to Europe with my mom. We went on a guided tour and spent fourteen days with strangers from across the country. My mom and I were fairly gregarious and made friends without much effort. Sharing novel experiences of exploring castles in Scotland and Cathedrals in Spain made for easy transitions into conversations on many life topics.
One evening after dinner, my mom was sharing with one of the women we had befriended, that I had started taking karate lessons and just received my yellow belt. As I listened to the conversation, I did something completely out of character – I stood up and abruptly left the room. It was totally rude, immature, and thoughtless. It embarrassed my mom and it made our friend feel awkward. Why would I act so impulsively? The answer was actually quite simple but it took me years to figure it out: my identity was hurt.
I was becoming a young man and I didn’t want to be known as ONLY having a yellow belt. For heaven sakes, a yellow belt was for beginners. I thought I was strong, masculine, even tough (even though I really wasn’t). But reality didn’t matter, it was my perception and that is what caused the conflict. My perception of who I was (or wanted to be) was injured. In my mind, my mom said I was weak and not very good at karate. Of course that is not what she said at all. We talked later that night and worked through the conflict I had created. But some 45 years later, that incident stays with me because it taught me an important lesson in human nature.
When conflict occurs, it is often the result of a damaged identity. People create personas that may or may not be true. We all do this to some degree but as we mature, hopefully we have a better sense of who we truly are and how people perceive us. However, in order to reduce conflict there are few things we can look for in others in order not to inadvertently hurt their identity. The following are a list of the most common traits attached to each communication style. See if you can identify some of these in your life or those close to you.
Directors
Identity traits: In-charge, leader, respected, knowledgeable, Entrepreneur
Encouragers
Identity traits: Life of the party, Fun, Adventurous, A best friend, Visionary
Facilitators
Identity traits: Selfless, A deep thinker, Team-Player, Loyal
Trackers
Identity traits: Moral, Organized, Careful thinker, Realistic
