There is a 2000 year old proverb that says, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.”* Unfortunately, most of us have reversed this. We are quick to speak and that causes problems. Why? Because the essence of communication is understanding. When we choose to listen first, we are tacitly telling the other person that we want to hear what they have to say, their viewpoint is important, they have value to us.
When we choose to speak first, even with good intentions, we risk highjacking the conversation. The root of the word conversation means “to be familiar with.” We can only be familiar with someone when we allow them to share their thoughts, ideas, and intentions. But they must do the same if it is to be a true conversation. This back and forth starts with listening, specifically, listening with purpose.
How do we listen with purpose? We develop this skill as we learn more about a person’s communication style. There are simple cues that we can pick up that give us a road map for how to listen and engage a specific communication style. Here are a few:
Directors
What to listen for: Listen for brief responses. If a person uses short phrases or single words in a conversation, they most likely want to get the conversation moving and get on to the next activity.
What they need: Get to the point. Give them information in the most direct way possible.
Encouragers
What to listen for: Listen for enthusiasm. Encouragers are extraverts and express their enthusiasm for life through sharing stories, impromptu conversations, and words of encouragement.
What they need: Encouragers need to be appreciated for their ideas, confidence, and optimism. Allow them to share their thoughts freely and emotionally.
Facilitators
What to listen for: Listen to the pace of the conversation. Facilitators will speak at a slower pace, likely with an emphasis on emotion over detail.
What they need: Facilitators need to know their thoughts and contributions matter. Express appreciation for their other-centeredness and empathy.
Trackers
What to listen for: Listen for details. When a Tracker speaks, generally they will give quite a few details and provide longer answers.
What they need: Ask clarifying questions. Don’t interrupt. And be gracious in the amount of time it takes to finish a conversation.
When we listen for the cues of a specific communication style, we can appreciate how the individual prefers to give and receive information. When we are quick to listen and slow to speak, we better understand others and improve every relationship.
